Indian-origin policy analyst weighs in on arranged marriages among immigrants in US: ‘Family isn’t about pleasing elders…’

A debate over love, marriage and dating has broken out in the Indian-American community after a policy analyst publicly called for a rethink of long-held attitudes towards relationships.Responding to a 2024 report by NBC News on the rise of arranged marriages among young South Asian Americans, gender expert Neeraja Deshpande argued that deeper cultural attitudes, not just failing apps, are driving the trend.In a post on X, Neeraja said that immigrants in the US need to “throw out” anti-dating mindset: “Another hot take: the Indian-American community needs to collectively throw out the stunted immigrant anti-dating mindset, and facilitate events and gatherings in which dating is socially acceptable.”She added that being more social is necessary to for a better chance at finding a partner: “Otherwise, parents can’t act surprised when their adult children, while professionally and even socially successful (because THAT is encouraged), are alone at 30.”

The NBC report said many young South Asians are fed up with dating apps like Tinder, Hinge, Bumble, OkCupid, Coffee Meets Bagel, etc. Some have started asking their parents or people in their community to introduce them to potential partners. They see arranged marriage more as a formal introduction than being forced to marry someone.Scholars such as Harleen Singh of Brandeis University told NBC that modern arranged marriages in the diaspora often involve months of dating before any commitment.The article also pointed to dissatisfaction with dating apps. According to The New York Times, big dating companies like Match Group have lost billions of dollars in value in recent years. Many users say they now have to pay to use important features and that conversations on these apps feel shallow. A lot of them also face online harassment.Deshpande, on the other hand, believes the issue runs deeper than technology. “There is an insane stuntedness around dating and relationships and sex and marriage among people in this community who are, ostensibly, adults, and it needs to end if we value family as much as we claim to,” she wrote. She added that marriage should not be forced to please elders: “Family isn’t just about pleasing the elders, as we often make it out to be, and if elders’ social mores and the family formation of the young are coming into conflict, the latter should always, always win out.”Deshpande is a policy analyst at Independent Women, where she focuses on education and gender issues. She also edits op-eds and contributes to grassroots journalism initiatives within the organisation. She is originally from Somerville, Massachusetts. She graduated magna cum laude from Wellesley College with a degree in Russian and previously taught English, mathematics and financial literacy at the middle and high school levels.